CAUTION READING BEYOND THIS POINT COULD BE DANGEROUS TO CURRENTLY HELD BELIEFS

!!!READ ON AT OWN RISK OF DESTROYING PRECONCEIVED IDEAS!!!
My experience with the destructive force called "religion"

THE SEARCH BEGINS

    My whole purpose for sharing my views on religion is not to start some great theological debate, but to share my discoveries and developed theories on the subject. Anything I say here is simply an opinion, it truly does lie within your own perception as to whether my views have any validity or are the ramblings of a mad man. Personally I couldn't care whether or not anyone agrees or disagrees, this is just what I've come to understand.
    During the course of my life time I always felt like we were missing the boat, as humans, when it came to living happy lives. I saw large quantities of unhappiness and misery not only in my life, and my families lives, but in the  lives of most people around us as well. At first I thought that this was a condition that was special to my immediate environment, and that when I  got out into the real world I would find out where to get the happiness and fulfillment I was lacking in my life. I wasn't greedy about what I wanted I just thought that it didn't make since that this world, and me in particular had to be so miserable, I just wanted to be happy. When I was finally old enough to be thrown from the nest, I ventured out into the world to find where they kept the happiness I was seeking. To make a long story, short, I didn't find much happiness at least not one without the haze of some particular delusion clouding vision and hiding the pain. Realizing if I stayed on course I was either going to spending a lot of time indoors in a prison or starting a new job pushing daisies in a local cemetery, I new I had to find a better alternative than massive physical abuse from a endless selection of diversions. I then decided to try things like money, sex, cars and nice clothes. Hell, I even got married and tried to have a loving fulfilling relationship, but these also seemed to be only temporary solutions to much deeper problems. why did I feel so empty?

    After taking a thorough  inventory of all the things I looked to. It became quite apparent that the none of the physical items I had been chasing were  going to provide me with any level of satisfaction or feeling of completeness for long. Around this time I decided to visit my sister and brother-in-law. My brother was a born again christian and apparently my sister was following suit. Ron (my in law) and myself spent many hours talking and I liked the things he was saying about this God that he claimed to know and how he gave purpose and fulfillment to his "children" and he talked about a joy I couldn't even imagine, I Decided then to accept this Jesus as my savior and give my life to his service. Not being one to settle for just being told that something is right,  I then started a search through every religion to find out what the differences were. I wished to verify that the choice I had made to serve this particular God was the right one. I didn't want to take anything for granted. Their was much evidence that the choice I had made was a good one, the feelings when I went to church, the feelings of euphoria, were feelings I had never had before. for the first time their seemed to be a contentment in my soul that I had never had before. The studies of the other religions was going quite well,  It seemed to be very easy to see how all the other religions were flawed and the others were living in delusions, the Mormons with their angels and golden plates, The Jehovah Witnesses with their false predictions and continual back stepping, apparently being some process of enlightenment. Their were a sum total of twenty two different "faiths" that I had studied and in the end all I found a sickening array of ideas and concepts so complicated that it was impossible to keep from contradicting themselves. The greatest surprise is that when I went to talk to the leaders of each of these faiths to try and come to an understanding of why their were so many inconsistencies, all I got was grand defensiveness, and I was told not to "QUESTION THE MIND OF GOD" or that some things just had to be accepted on terms of faith and that they were right and all the others were in one degree or another wrong. My questions I felt were quit harmless and their reactions to them were quite puzzling to me. Were we not supposed to question? Was not the whole idea of this faith they were talking about supposed to be a search for truth? I was glad that the faith I had chosen was not like that, it could be put to the question and it would stand strong under close scrutiny, this I was sure of. I had confidence that this God that I wished to follow would help me understand what I had encountered and he would lead me to the truth. Apparently this was my downfall. I started to scrutinize the religion I had come to follow I found just as many inconsistencies and things that didn't make sense, but I knew that our leaders would be able to help clear up these few questions. Once again I was criticized about questioning THE MIND OF GOD, well how many minds does GOD have??

??QUESTIONS??

     My questions didn't seem to be to difficult, I thought I just didn't understand. Simple questions like Why does God still hold me guilty of a sin committed thousands of years ago by someone else? What happened to forgiveness? What kind of a free choice is it when you can have the apple if you want, but if you do you will die? And why is this knowledge of good and evil a bad thing? Why when questioned does none of this make any sense? Why does all the preaching seem to be laying down rule after rule when were supposed to have a free will. Why does GOD give us things and then their bad things? What is the sense it this? Is this not like giving a baby  a knife and getting mad at the baby for cutting himself? If GOD died for all our sins how can I still be guilty? Why do I still need to come to him for forgiveness? Why is it that when we do things it's sinful and we will be held accountable, but when he does the same things he's not accountable. Why does he seem to follow different rules than we do? Is this not being a hypocrite? Why am I guilty of sin when I'm only reacting to things in the only way I know how?? Should not the teacher be responsible for the ignorance of the student?  If I'm to be held responsible for my decisions, why do I get reproached for going out and learning? Do we not learn from our mistakes? Then how can we be condemned for making them? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!  And why does everybody get angry at me for asking these questions? Why am I ostracized for asking, condemned and made to feel guilty for my questions? WHY DOESN'T THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?????????????????????
    And then it hit me it was all a lie!! It didn't make any sense because it couldn't. This choice was the hardest choice I had ever made in my life. I was looking for something in my life, something to give me purpose and direction, a reason for living. I was willing to accept any thing that could prove itself valid. At this time I had felt I had searched everything that was available to me. Disappointed and desperate I didn't know what to do, The only hope I had left, seemed to dissolve into questions and contradictions and I was alone, with nothing. Alone with nothing to live for, but so full of religious programing that I was even to scared to die. So I became a zombie and buried myself into as many distractions I could find, to keep myself from the guilt, loneliness, and despair that was the essence of my life. For over two years their was never a moment that these feelings would not flood in if given even the slightest chance. Nothing to live for and to scared to die, What if I was wrong how could I spend eternity in hell for turning my back on a God that I could make no sense of?? But what if I was wrong?????????? But how could I be wrong? If I was wrong wouldn't the master send a teacher to show me?   

SURVIVAL

   Over the next few years my search continued and information started to come to me piece by peace. I started asking questions again and slowly, I started to understand what was happening around me.
    In the next pages you will find a compilation of information that helped me come to the understanding that I have gained up to this point. However to understand how I see things now you will have to go through most of this site, as I will only be dealing with the current position I now hold of religion and how I got this perception. Not with what I have replaced the overall concept with.
 
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